I feel like as a young adult people entering and leaving should feel normal by now. My issue is that when these people enter they leave dirt on my rugs that cant be cleaned out easily. Sometimes they leave scuffs and scrapes on the floorboards. Sometimes they kick doors down. But sometimes they leave things, stuff I like to have around. Sometimes the things dont last very long, like flowers or a nice dessert but sometimes they bring gifts like a lamp or a book. I think I prefer the temporary nature of the first gifts because I dont think anything is meant to stick around too long. Usually those things I tend to slowly dislike over time-like a lamp for instance. Maybe the lamp a person leaves is nice, fits the room well at the time, but what happens if I move and suddenly the lamp doesn't light the room like it used to. What then? I cant throw it out?! Im kinda attached to it now. Maybe I stick it in a closet and make room for a new lamp, but Ill know its still there in the closet taking up space. Theres nothing wrong with a nice bouquet. They’re beautiful for a short while and then when they start to decay and you throw them out LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO. But am I supposed to keep buying flowers? Will I eventually get tired of people bringing me flowers? What if I stop appreciating them and then eventually not notice when they come, or even worse let them decay in their vase. Maybe my problem is the people. Maybe they should stop coming all together. I wouldn't have to worry about the matter all together. But the issue with that is that right now I like the flowers but I despise it when they die. Its genuinely the worst. These people picked what they thought I would like and gave them to me and now theyre dead and in the garbage. That doesn't seem fair but at the same time It seems like the lesser of two evils. But to be honest right now, Im open to everything. Maybe my house is meant to be filled.

A mangled together vlog abt me and my friends trip to new york this past month.

My friend Braden and I were talking about a specific feeling the movie, “before sunset” gave us. This unique feeling of present nostalgia after an initial meeting. The plot centers around two people that meet up after years of not seeing each other and the film is just them catching up. Theres so much there, that idealized romantic version of them is still in the other person somewhere but its paired with the reality which is like “wow we’re actually here together”. This “anything can happen because I didn’t think this could happen” feeling. Its really hard to explain and maybe I haven’t experienced enough life to fully understand what it is but maybe thats what makes it so interesting.

Been planning on going somewhere for a bit. Not sure exactly but cow town is getting on my last nerve. Maybe its just a young persons want to be around others but I feel like I need noise to survive. I visit NYC quite often and as cliche as it might seem I really can't see myself living anywhere else long term. But as young as i think I am life is very much getting away from me and sitting in my room alone for most of the day is making me insane. Im genuinely sick of everything about texas. The food is shit, the weathers shit, you need a car for everything, everything is cheaper but you're somehow always broke. I cant stand it. For a while after high school I traveled the country and that felt right but it never felt final. Maybe that doesnt exist, maybe im just meant to feel like im constantly reaching but never getting. Like odyssius and the sirens. But at least that guy was badass. Theres nothing badass about being bad at everything.

Gonna try and write as much as i can here. Im viewing this as a pesonal journal that I dont mind others reading. Don't judge to hard...or do.

this one has no image.